Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

About once a week my mother sends me an e-mail telling me some tidbit about how my youngest cried that morning after I dropped him off. Either he was up to late and was tired or, like today, he wanted to have breakfast with me but didn’t. In just about every case it is because he did not do what he needed to for the task to be accomplished. Of course he never tells her that part. In every instance it is somehow my fault. For example, last night he said he wanted to get up and have breakfast with me this morning. I woke him up at the designated time, he refused to rise, when he finally did emerge from his bed he cried because I was done eating and had even showered. My husband and I tried to wake him approximately 8,724 times.

But the absolute best part of these missives my mother sends me is how she ends each one. “Your children miss you.”

Why thank you for that mom. It is a lovely way to start my day. Crying at my keyboard in the office is a fabulous way to greet students and coworkers.

I have told her how I miss them since going back to work full-time in January. I’ve told her how I’ve been spending MORE time with them. I’ve told her about the things I’ve tried to do to make the time together better (like breakfast with them).

She always assures me she’s not criticizing. She tells me I can’t quit my job, the children will adapt, etc, etc. So why, WHY must she lay on the guilt?

Random Thought Tuesday

(AKA Bullets Are My Friends)

• The reason for all the tiredness and exhaustion? My iron level which should reside at a minimum of 50 is at an all time low of 5. The doctor asked if I’d been feeling a little fuzzy in the brain. Ah, yeah. Well, that is why. When I stated that must be why I’ve been so freaking tired he said he was surprised I was still standing. All the other tests? Normal.
  
  
• My camera. My love. My huge investment that we could not afford and I was so guilt ridden about that it took me months to really USE the damn thing? GONE. I used it Saturday and now it is GONE. I swear I remember putting it in the car on our way home from a festival. It was between the seats of the van with my purse on top of it. We went to my s-i-l’s and then home. It was not there when we got home. My s-i-l searched her house and so did her husband even though I SWEAR I didn’t bring it in. I called the campus safety people and the library at the location of the festival in the pathetic hope that I remember incorrectly AND I left said camera on a park bench. This particular fantasy includes the finder of the Nikon D80 with 18-200 VR lens to actually turn it in and not keep it for themselves. So far, no such luck. This also means I have to file a police report.
  
  
• Did you know to file a police report for a stolen item you must be in the county of the theft and call 911? I did not. I thought 911 was for absolute, my house is on fire, emergencies. I was wrong. I do not live in the same county as my sil. I do however work in the same county as her. This means I must either find time in my Spring sport calendar (NONE. NONE I tell you) to go to her house and call OR I must have the police report to my JOB. It seems you must call 911 then they come to you and you file the report. I do not want the local sheriff’s at my place of business. I also do not want to wait much longer to file the report.
  
  
• I really keep hoping my brain is not working well and someone finds the damn camera. We just finished paying it off.
  
  
• I don’t think this particular fantasy is going to come true.
  
  
• I miss my camera.
  
  
• Stress + low iron = need nap now (or from now on: nnn)
  
  
• My 1^st performance review for my new job is this afternoon. And I’m blogging. I’m a bit worried.
  
  
• I hate 1^st reviews. You never know how they’re going to go.
  
  
• nnn

Fear Factor

I sent in a request to be part of an intensive 3 week class this summer to learn sign language. And I’m terrified.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this terrifies me so because really, this doesn’t seem like something that should strike fear in my heart. It’s something I want to do. (hence the application) But it makes my heart race to think I might get into the class.

So why did I apply? I want to learn. The place I work has a high number of deaf students and I’d like to be able to communicate with them without paper and pencil. I think it shows a bit of respect to learn this to help serve them. And I plain old think it would be cool to learn.

Now my fear tells me I have been getting by without learning and no one would bat an eye if I didn’t learn. It also keeps whispering in my ear that it will be very embarrassing if I can’t learn. I don’t have the best memory. I haven’t been a student in forever. I DO NOT MEMORIZE WELL. My entire office will know I’m taking the class and will expect me to come back full of knowledge and the ability to sign to actual deaf people and understand the same deaf people’s signing. What if I can’t?

Working at a university has many positive aspects. Free classes for one sounds like a beautiful benefit unless you don’t do well. Then EVERYONE will know you are an idiot.

In the end I bit the bullet, gave my boss the application to sign (it’s during work hours), and sent it in. I don’t have one of those bucket lists or 40 by 40 lists because I can never think of anything I really want to do. This morning on my way to work I realized that learning sign language is something I would like to do before 40. I’ve always wanted to learn, and really, it’s not out of my reach. But it is very scary.

Question for the Internet

It is slow here at work today. The college kids are off this week and it is s.i.l.e.n.t. around here. Very strange.

In other news, it is warm. As in almost 60 degrees warm. It is suppose to go below freezing again tomorrow but for right now it is luscious. Yes, luscious. Warm and springy and just the most wonderful weather I've experienced in months and months and months. I'm definitely looking forward to Spring. However, I do need to find my sunglasses. I'm not exactly sure how long they have been missing as the sun has been in hiding for weeks but I do know they along with my favorite pair of gloves and a bunch of those cloth bags the stores are all selling instead of plastic are missing. I'm guessing they all jumped into one of the bags and went into hiding. Or on a field trip to someplace sunny. Hmmmm.

One last thing, I know I've scared away all my meager readers with long absences. So maybe, if anyone does still read here, you could post this question to your readers and leave a link for me here in comments so I can check out the replies.

Question:
I've only been at my job for 2 months. And I know that it is in bad form to want to apply for another position within the organization. But, it's a position that is perfect for me. Less hours but full time (35 hrs/wk), more money, and it's doing what I did at my last job which I LOVED but was only part time. Right now I file things. Ok, I do other things that I enjoy but 60% of my time is spent filing. I DESPISE filing. The position I have now is not challenging at all. I took the job thinking I could do it for a year or more until something better came along. I did not expect MY job to come along and certainly not this soon. I wouldn't have even known about it except the organization sends out new job postings every couple weeks and it was listed. To be truthful, I didn't even think a position like this existed here. In fact, the research I've done makes it look like the position was just created.

So, I am still trying to find out if there is a minimum waiting period for switching jobs here. No one is answering my calls (break week). But what say the grand internets? YAY or just forget about it already - Bad Form.

Full-time

So yes, I'm now working full time. Outside of my home. For a paycheck. For the first time in over 13 years.

In many ways it is much easier than anything else I have done in the last 13 years. So much pressure is off because, hello, I have to work. The thing I'm having the hardest time with, two things actually, but not because they are related, and I'm just going to keep sticking in phrases in-between commas until this is the longest sentence ever, so it all boils down to... you guessed it, time.

There are a few things here and there that I WANT to do. Like take the kids to the doctors and parent-teacher conferences and stay home with them when they are sick occasionally and do things for other people that I just can't seem to find time to do now. In which I mean I can't do these things in a timely manner.

This bothers me greatly.

On the other hand, one thing I have learned in the past year is that I MUST work full time. I need to feel like I'm contributing to my household in a financial way. I need to not feel that I'm stuck in this marriage because I can't support myself or the cost of a divorce. Not to say that's what I want, or that I make enough to realistically do either of those things, but I need to feel like I could if I had to.

Another aspect of this job is that I don't enjoy it nearly as much as my last one. It's okay. The people are fine. Mostly. It is not challenging enough. And I was brought in to make change and that avenue is not currently open to me. Not to say that it won't be. And not to say I don't have a few things to learn first. I mean this time is probably the best thing for the situation. BUT, the inevitable but, I am not a patient woman.

So, in closing, all this to say, I'm working full time.