The Story Begins (but is scattered and probably makes no sense)


Today was our last meeting with the marriage counselor. Yes, my husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor. The reason? Where to start? How about the catalyst? I guess that would be a better place to start.

My husband had a crush on someone. I realized something wasn't right about a week in. So yes, I caught it early. He didn't "cheat". It was an emotional affair. A really short one. That decimated me.

My God. I could write volumes on this subject and normally I wouldn't because really, who wants to read such self-involved crap? But, that would be why I started this blog. To write. To write stuff I wouldn't post on my regular blog that my husband and both my parents actually read. The one associated with my real name. Not really the kind of place you can let loose. And because of that I've pretty much stopped writing. The mundane is just not that amusing when your contemplating the end of your marriage.

I'm not sure why I waited until the crisis passed to start this. I'm not sure why I've decided to write about it now. But maybe, just maybe it's because I still have a bunch of feelings and no one wants to hear anymore about it. It's time to suck it up. Get over it already. And be thankful for what I have. And I keep thinking that maybe if I type it all out, I can let it all go. I'll be able to move past my issues once I vomit them onto the screen. It's worked in the past and I'm hoping it will work now.

So yes, the crisis has passed. But let's just say that I'm not 100% sure he won't change his mind and walk out the door one of these days. He says he's sure he won't. And I believe him. He believes he won't. I'm a better judge of people though. And I'm not all that sure he's not lying to himself. I'm trying to get to a place where I'm okay living with the fear. Accept it as a fact of life. Enjoy things now and take things as they come. But to understate the matter greatly, I'm not very good at this type of thing. I'm more of an all or nothing, right now kind of gal.